you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
