I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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