She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
did i walk over a car last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
