i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize
