I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
