im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have feelings that need drinking.
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I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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