I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
