Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i came on her dog
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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