Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My ATM looks so different sober.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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