I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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