u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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