just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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