Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Randomize
