It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
