Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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