Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
