Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
