I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just google imaged poop.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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