He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
