I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Let's paint friendship bongs
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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