I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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