Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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