Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
