and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize