Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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