k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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