The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
