I seem to have left my pride at pride
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
