Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
