The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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