Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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