I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
