I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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