Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
