She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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he tried to breastfeed my turtle
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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