CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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