I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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