So drunk its hurt
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
