Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
