There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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