so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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