its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
