a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
whose parrot is this?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
