Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
