I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
