there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
