1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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