Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
