I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
