he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
