Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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