the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You took a bar mat shot.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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