I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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